Friday, April 1, 2011

Pandora box of love

I’ve had been in and out of love for several times.That is not something to brag about people. Im not that conceited to proud over that matter.This is just a piece of my mind,a confession of my heart.

Looking back at the old pictures kinda brings back the memories all together. It’s been years already but the memories still make my heart aches. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have that kind of attachment with any of the boys anymore. What’s done is done, and what happened in past should stay in past. It just that, I miss the feeling of knowing someone is there even in your bad hair day. I’m out from love for quite a time. This is the longest a think. Its been a year. I still have that desire to have someone i can yearn for. Those tender feelings. You know what I mean right? Talking about this make me blushes a bit. It’s been too long that I started to forget how it really feels to be in love. Im enjoying my single-happy-free life. But at the same time, as human, for sure I have that sensation of wanting someone beside me.
When I’m in a relationship, I love to keep it as low as possible. I really hate a prevalent love where everybody is ought to know what is happening. I’m far from a dauntless girl that can bravely take any chances in her relationship. I want to risk nothing. I like to play safe. That’s the biggest reason why I don’t want a prevalent relationship, because if it failed, I surely do not know how to deal with the sadness when others’ eyes are on me. I hate when people sympathize me. It feels like that im not strong enough to deal with my problem.
I made mistakes before, when I’m in relationship. Few of them were grave mistakes. I took myself back and learned from it. What is wrong and what is right. Probably, during that time, I was confused and careless. I’m still waiting for the right one to come. Maybe an effortless love will stay longer. Let it naturally falls into places. I need someone that completes me. Someone that can hit it off with me from the very beginning. Someone that can give me thrill with his words. Someone who won’t give up on me.
The thing about me is that, if I think that the guy I’m seeing right now is not the right one, I will quickly draw myself out. That’s why I rejected a guy before. But knowing that how my action gave that so much impact to him, made me think a bit. I don’t have the chance to explain to him. I deeply apologize for my action but if I rewind back the time, I still steadfast with my decision except this time, I will explain it first and do it in much better way. I’m not the type that gives hopes to others. That’s why I made such decision. It hurts now but if I held back, it’ll hurts more in the future. You can take me as the villain. It’s okay. But Sooner or later you will realize the reason behind my action.
I can’t stand a long distance relationship. I ended two of my relationship because of the distance. I got scared. Long distance relationship requires a lot from me. It demands my commitment as I need to give my full effort to make it works. Plus, it needs pile of communication. I can’t do both. I can give it a shot by I don’t think it will work. Called me bigoted or a coward, but this type of relationship only applies to some and it does not work with me. I don’t know about the future maybe with Allah wills. For now, I want to avoid it as possible.
Oh my, by posting this, it feels like I’m opening my Pandora box to everyone.

ps:forgive my grammar mistakes.its been a while since im writing in english ;/


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